Have you ever wanted to go back in time? I know we all talk about it but have you ever really truly wished you could? I’ve had moments in my life where I have wanted to do just that but it’s more of an I wish kind of moment. Ultimately I wouldn’t though as every “mistake” I’ve made is a lesson learned. I had however made a decision just over a year ago, one that I desperately wish that I could go back and change. This was a decision I made out of haste, one that I was warned against making if I wasn’t 100% sure on but I told myself that I was sure, well more talked myself into being sure about. It was one of those moments that my head was trying to convince my heart, unfortunately my head won out leaving my heart behind.
As time went on it was becoming more apparent that I should have listened to my heart. I had an opportunity to turn the decision around later in the year but was convinced otherwise, again overruled my heart to listen to my head and told myself it would all work out ok. I was told I was being silly and fabricating what I felt so blocked my heart even though by this time my head did have some questioning which was in line with what the heart was feeling. Both got overruled possibly due to confusion, more likely due to trying to uphold my original decision. I have a habit of pleasing others and even though my heart said stop this before it goes further, my head said oh ok my apprehension must be in my head and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. This was also around the time of a spiraling depressive run. If you have or ever had depression you will know how easily influenced you can be and how you feel like you can’t trust your own thinking, especially if you are told otherwise. Reality and fiction gets blurred and even if you’re an intelligent person, it seems as though you can’t trust your own instincts so when you get told you’re being silly you just go with it. Trouble is hindsight proved that even in a depressive episode, I had enough of my own instincts to be correct. Unfortunately though I didn’t trust them at the time. In an effort to please someone else, I failed to please myself.
More and more examples popped up over the next few months to prove I was right all along. These experiences made me so upset it has really affected me. It all exploded spectacularly recently. It was from a culmination of events which proved my head was correct in my concerns. This is where the wish that I could go back in time went from if only to I would do anything to go back in time. I have never ever felt so strongly about wanting to be able to change something. Problem is we all know that is not possible. Instead I have to learn from it. I have been presented with this life lesson in the past but I haven’t learnt enough from it. I recently saw a quote that read “we get presented with lessons until we learn what we need to from them.” Well in the past I obviously didn’t learn enough but this lesson has smacked me over the head so severely I’m seeing stars. I can’t go back and change it, I need to learn from it and move on. The head and the heart just have to catch up to the lessons so I will feel content again.