Well it has been an interesting few weeks since my last post. My grandmother passed away a few days after I posted it. She was still hanging on and no one, even the nursing staff knew why as she was so sick. I had this feeling she was waiting for me. I plucked up the courage to get Mum to put me on speaker when she was visiting. I said goodbye and gave her permission to go. Later that night she passed away. Mum (who is a nurse) said earlier that day that she was still the same and would probably be around for a few more days then I said my goodbye. Of course I will never know and we don’t know how these things work but I feel that she was waiting for me to give her permission to go as everyone else had done so days earlier. She had none of the typical indications that she was about to pass but did so later that night. I was flying home that night anyway for part 1 of my hens night. I was met by Mum at baggage claim with the news that she had passed around the time that I landed. People around probably thought it was an emotional reunion, if only they knew…
I flew home (my home) a couple of days later and was back again shortly after to attend the funeral, exactly 1 week after her passing. I gave my eulogy (3rd time now I have given one, it never gets easier) and had a good cry into Adam’s shoulder. It was a fitting send off with close family members. The timing of her passing is interesting however. Less than a week after the funeral I was already booked in to attend NLP practitioner training. I have written before about being on the receiving end of NLP, well I was doing this course to be qualified as a practitioner, so I could help others the way it helped me. When Grandma got sick I was wondering how I would be able to keep my head in the game with the course rapidly approaching. Talking to a friend who was also due to attend the course, he said it’ll either help me with the grieving process if she passes before, or help me deal with what we all knew was about to happen. He was right, I learnt steps to help with not the grief as it had only been 2 weeks by this stage (so no one expected me to be fine and dandy about it) but with the guilt. My entire family told me not to feel guilty about not flying interstate to see her when she was so sick. She wasn’t able to speak anyway and I wanted to remember her in happier times so I didn’t so much feel the guilt of that, I felt the guilt of not being there more for her. She loved talking to me, I could tell it brightened her day even though we would only ever talk for a a few minutes. I felt guilty that I was living my life and would actually get distracted, often completely forgetting that I was going to call and suddenly the weekend was over and meaning another week would be going by before I had another opportunity. I just wanted to have a deep conversation with her even though she wasn’t the deep conversationalist, maybe she would have been if we both knew what was to come.
I had an amazing few days on the course though. I have met some truly wonderful people and am proud to say I have made plenty of new friends, something of which does not come easily to me. I got rid of a lot of emotional crap and set some very positive goals for 1 month from now, 3 months and 6 months. I did things I would normally be too embarrassed to do such as being only 1 of 2 people dancing where everyone could see. That dancing didn’t stop throughout me flying home where my head was bobbing through the airport, my arms waving about and even waiting for Adam in the pick up point my legs were moving about to the song in my head. I’m sure to everyone else it looked like I needed to go the bathroom but they couldn’t hear the music in my head. I was still on such a high from the last few days.
I really feel like a new person. I am walking taller, I feel much more relaxed and from what I’ve been told it is showing in my face as well. Even returning to work which would have normally been riddled with anxiety felt achievable. I came home today and Adam had music on. Normally I’d fall in a heap when I got home as I used up all my energy at work but today I had to dance to the music. NLP and removing my limiting beliefs and negative emotions has just enhanced my true self. I am more driven and determined to get what I want out of life!