Posted by on October 1, 2017

I have had an average few weeks. I saw the truest colours of someone who is unavoidable in my life at the moment which left more than just a sour taste, more on that though when circumstances allow… I feel responsible for the death of a pet fish. It was a complete accident and everyone around me is telling me it is not my fault but I still feel guilty, probably as it was at the end of a very trying week. This was more than ‘just a fish’ it actually had so much personality it cracked us both up. To come home one day to find it dead was hard enough especially as it was fine in the morning. The next day we realised the heater had died (tropical fish tank) and the water became just too cold for it which is when the guilt set in. It was a simple mistake yet I keep beating myself up over it, not sure why (something in my subconscious must be sitting there.)

These are just a couple of examples but I have essentially been surviving the past few weeks. Mentally it has taken its toll and I am in a constant state of exhaustion regardless of how much I sleep. I feel either on edge or flat. I do have something to look forward to coming up later this month, again more on that later.

What has really made everything come crashing is the news of my grandmother. Whilst not the kiss and hugs and make sure you are so well fed you had  to roll home kind of grandmother, she is my Grandma and I know she loves me. She and Grandpa were married for over 60 years when he passed away 3 years ago and even though we all said we wouldn’t be surprised if she passed not long after, she is still around. Last week she was taken to hospital with a case of this nasty flu that’s going around. I got daily updates from Mum where she was very up and down. Then on Wednesday I got the call from Dad, her body was shutting down and they are stopping all treatment, only keeping up with pain relief to keep her comfortable. Being in a different state I feel so helpless, not that I would be able to do anything if I was closer though. Since then my phone hasn’t gone far from my side and even when going to sleep it stays on when I used to switch it to aeroplane mode. We all know that call is coming, it’s a matter of when.

There is my own guilt attached here. Weeks could go by before I think I should call her and she is always so happy when I call, even if we only talk for a few minutes. It is currently about 5 weeks since I have spoken with her which is about the time frame when I would be calling or she may be calling me. She’s not with it enough to hold a conversation and I don’t want her to talk unnecessarily either but I feel like things aren’t finished for me. Not everyone gets to say goodbye I know and even with someone who is dying a ‘goodbye’ is never enough as you may still see them tomorrow and it doesn’t necessarily feel so final, especially as the days go on. I will have to just think about our last conversation and have a laugh. It was my birthday and she tried calling me but I was at work and couldn’t answer so called her during my lunch break. She answered and I could hear an echo but thought it was a weird line. Nope she was on the toilet but wanted to talk to me so answered! Nothing makes you want to giggle and be mortified at the same time more than picturing your grandmother talking to you whilst on the toilet. At this point it is about remembering the good bits whilst waiting out for ‘that’ call. I only hope it is not too far away just for her sake. She will hate to be so vulnerable at the moment. We all also want her to be with Grandpa again.

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