I’ve always felt lost in “what I wanted to do when I grew up.” I have tried multiple paths but never really feeling a sense of satisfaction. Everyone knows the saying that life is too short and even though that gets said a lot, it really is true. I have recently celebrated my 33rd birthday. Whilst that’s by no means old, I am certainly not a carefree teenager anymore with blissful complacency.
7 years ago my mother in law passed away from lung cancer. She worked her butt off in 3 jobs to get by right up until she was diagnosed. It was only 13 months between diagnosis and her passing. Watching someone who I love pass all too soon made me reassess where my life was at. I didn’t want to be spending it in a job that was just so so and I owed it to myself to live to my full potential. Trouble was I didn’t know what I wanted and that has lead to 7 years of trial and a lot of errors. My depression and anxiety spiraled and I fell into some dark days, all whilst feeling like I was doing a disservice to my mother in law as she inspired me to go out and live. I still often feel like I am doing her a disservice by not living to my full potential.
1 year ago I went on a retreat in Bali. I took a leap of faith and signed up to take charge of getting what I wanted. It was 2 intense days filled with revelations, laughter and lots of tears. I explored a country I never thought I would go to and was definitely out of my comfort zone and I loved it. Even though a lot has happened in my life over the past year, now that the retreat is currently happening again it still makes me think I haven’t done enough. I am very much a time orientated person. I will often think this time last week, month, year, 10 years etc something happened, whether that was a significant thing or simply wow has it been that long already??? What have I accomplished in that time???
I have followed the story of Connie Johnson whose battle with cancer showed such courage and strength. Tonight opening Facebook just to clear notifications the first post in my timeline was the announcement that she has passed. Although Australia knew it was coming, I knew this person who I had never met would bring up so many emotions when that announcement was made. Emotional scars from the past 7 years came bubbling up and knowing the sadness her family are currently going through. I have seen first hand the devastation it leaves in its wake and how we who are left behind need to honour those who are taken far too soon, cancer, accident or anything else. We are not doing ourselves any favours by not living how you want.
Life is too short. Go out and grab it by the balls!