Depression and anxiety has kicked into overdrive recently and it has been a real demon. A few weeks ago I was at such a low point that I didn’t like what the future held. I reached out to a friend who recently became NLP (neuro linguistic programming) certified as she felt truly happy with life after being put through the course. I am open to anything at this point and right when I was in a real low I reached out to her and said “help me.”
NLP is about getting through the conscious into the unconscious. You might read that and think what a load of crap and that’s ok, this isn’t for everyone but we all have limiting beliefs that are so deep we often don’t know where they have stemmed from. This process is a way to recognise those beliefs and ways to overcome them. One of my problems has been around money so that is an area we explored. I was so good with money when I was a younger I wondered what happened but didn’t think anything beyond that. Throughout my adult life I couldn’t hang onto money and simply put it down to the poor decisions I had made but through doing this process I learned it is much more than that.
My Dad changed jobs when I was about 7 and became quite successful in the years following. That meant I was able to pursue certain experiences like participating in the exchange student program in part as he had the means but more so because I had the drive. I wanted that experience, no one else around me seemed interested. We were perceived to have it all because he bought us things like a Playstation for Christmas for us to share, which meant we now had a DVD player as well. These things and experiences made me a target from those I held near and dear. A friend at the age of about 16 even said to me “I’m sorry I’m not as rich as you are.” I can’t remember the lead up conversation but I can still hear those words with spite in her voice. Whenever money was used negatively towards me I was always shocked as I never meant anything in a negative context, usually I was just chatting generally about something. That negativity brought in the feeling of being alone, isolated and I eventually changed schools as I felt separated from the others. The only school that would accept me (as year 11 had already started) was a private school which certainly didn’t help my situation of me feeling like money shouldn’t separate me. I always thought it wasn’t my money it was my Dad’s money that he worked damn hard for but that didn’t seem to matter.
My flatmate I had throughout uni had a similar negativity towards me and money. She counted every cent and so did her Mum. Her Mum would tell me every time she was over that the couch she had lent us “was $2000 about 20 years ago, which was a lot of money back then, and it’s still in great condition.” She slept on it when she came to stay but my Mum chose to stay in a hotel (that was our house and she didn’t want to intrude) when she came down and that seemed to be enough for them to have an opinion as to Mum and Dad’s financial status. She and her Mum would discuss how much each item my Mum would get for me must have cost like it was any of their business and would make me feel horrible about having anything. I chose to purchase a brand name kettle to replace her no name one when it died as I thought it was better value than replacing crappy ones multiple times. She couldn’t understand why I chose to buy the big jar of vegemite even when I said it’s because I use it everyday and it works out cheaper in the long run. She never saw the irony when she kept running out of her little jar and asked if she could use some of mine.
Tapping into my unconscious my inability to make sound financial decisions since working full time was more than just wasting money on shit, it was a limiting belief that I didn’t want money as it was evil. Money was the cause of the breakdown of friendships and the feeling of isolation so I pushed it away as soon as I got it by wasting it. If I had traveled and bought a house by my early 20’s like I wanted to I ran the risk of feeling like I did all those years ago. Ironically that is what my friends ended up doing. Having what I wanted looked to my unconscious as evil as money was evil. That was a big revelation.
I am now allowing money to come to me as I have pushed away the belief that it is evil. That doesn’t mean that $1,000,000 is going to fall into my lap I still have to work for it but the negativity isn’t there anymore. I no longer feel like I am a teenager and having it work against me. This is just one clarity I have had. I am looking forward to recognising and losing more limiting beliefs as I continue to work with my friend through this course.