Last post I was open about my depression. It has been a month of continued ups and downs which has meant my depression and anxiety have gone up and down too. The longer I live with this, the more I see certain trends. The worst one is when I feel life is squashing me, my mind starts playing tricks. Lately I have noticed how overly sensitive I am to others response towards me. It’s like a simple question is an attack. An attack on me or my character and I end up questioning my self worth. It is self sabotage I know but in a depressive and/or anxious state it’s a hard state of mind to break free from. Other peoples happiness feels like a punch in the face and I think what is wrong with me, I’m a horrible person! I find myself withdrawing and prefer to keep to the company of myself and my fiance. I know this is not a good way to be and I don’t like it but it is what it is at the moment until my brain and my desire to break free allows my heart to do so.
Even writing this blog fills me with anxiety into my self worth. Why aren’t more people subscribing? Is my blog not worth putting in your email address? I have at times wondered if it is worth me putting myself through that each time I submit a new post and the truth is yes it is worth it. I didn’t start this to win over anyone as such. I started this as if I can have 1 person say to 1 post they can relate and they aren’t alone in how they feel, then my mission for starting this has been accomplished. I will align my head with my heart and pick myself up and try again to push forward, to break free of the mental prison and the desire to move on. It’s also not letting the stresses of life consume me even when they snowball and feel like I am being sucked into the stress bubble. It’s fun being an adult isn’t it?