I was the nerdy kid at school. That’s not to say I was the smart kid, I just wasn’t part of the ‘in’ crowd so therefore automatically dubbed the ‘nerd.’ Yes I did well at school but I was far from the smartest in the class. I was happy with my small group of friends, that is until year 5. My best friends I had since I was 5 years old abandoned me with the excuse that I wasn’t cool enough. That is exactly what they told me, that I wasn’t cool enough. I spent an entire day sitting by myself as even the other girls in the class said I couldn’t hang out with them when I asked. Those same girls felt sorry for me the next day though and apologised, saying I could hang out with them. Not long after that the bullying started from the rest of the kids in my year.
I had the kind of daggy signature you would expect from a 10 year old. Someone decided to copy that and signed my name in white out on the back of one of the chairs. That chair became “mine” throughout the rest of the year. If the cleaner happened to put it at another desk overnight, it was guaranteed that kid in the class who had it would make a big fanfare about returning “my” chair back to me. I hated it. There were a multitude of other things that happened that year when it came to bullying which I may go into more detail over on another time.
I had no confidence after the bullying started. I found it difficult to stand up for myself and when I tried I would become flustered, ramble and make no sense. This is a trait that has followed me through to my adult life. Right now I am really struggling with my self confidence. Bullying and belittling doesn’t stop when you leave school, some people never grow out of it. I am better then my 10 year old self but I find in the really difficult times I am suddenly back there. I hate that. It’s a constant struggle I try to get past but that little girl still tries to pop out. I believe our past is what makes our present, we have choices to make though with how it defines us. I desperately want the confidence to stand up for myself and be 100% happy with me, it’s just a massive work in progress. I’ll get there, once I get away from my troubling situation I know my confidence will build and I will come out of survival mode, it’s a matter of waiting it out until then and trying with all my might to get away from the situation for my mental and physical health and well being.