Well it’s been over a month since my initial post and to be honest, I haven’t logged in since. This was never my intention when starting this process, I didn’t want to be another blogger who faded away very early on. The thing is I am always guilty of taking on too much at once and fall into a heap down the track due to burnout.
This time round it is a combination of planning a wedding, helping friends with their business, working out 4 times a week and working full time. My job may only be 25km away from home but with the usual traffic it can take me anywhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours each way and depending on the day (my start/finish times vary) I get home, eat and go to bed all to start it again the next day. My usual process is I survive this overloaded scheduling for weeks at a time then get sick, my depression rears its ugly head and/or I am so exhausted I can’t function. I don’t sleep very well as it is and my sleep patterns are very up and down which contribute as well.
Adam and I have been together for so long the excitement of wedding planning took over everything. I would say most brides do that when they get engaged but it meant the guilt of letting other things go also snuck in. I am a people pleaser (a good or a bad thing depending on which way you look at it) and I felt that not only was I letting myself down with things such as this blog but I was letting others down who I had promised to help. This meant my anxiety also kicked in. Basically the last few weeks I have been a bucket of mess and crazy!
I try to keep this to myself for the fear of being judged. Even when I do let my guard down, I hear the scrutiny. Most recently I was told “life is busy, suck it up” and by that same person “how are you going to cope if you have kids” which did not help my state of mind whatsoever. Yes I get it, others survive a life even busier than mine and that makes me spiral even more as I then feel the guilt of crashing quicker than others. Oh yes I am competitive too which also complicates matters!
I am working on taking a step back and not comparing myself to others which should help. I am also working on prioritising my tasks to not get so overwhelmed. These things are easier said than done. I still feel the guilt of not fulfilling everything that I and others expect but that’s a whole other matter!
Now to not wait so long between posts 😉