A couple of weeks ago there was a national campaign about bullying and violence. It got me thinking about my experience with bullying and I wrote a post about it. I reflected on my experiences and it was quite long. I sat on it for a couple of days though, coming and going to it. It made me realise though, for all these years I have carried around the notion that I was bullied throughout primary and high school. Primary school there was no denying it, I was bullied. Kids made sure to do things in order to look like I had done them in the hope I would get into trouble, I had my pants pulled down by a supposed friend who thought it was hilarious and lies and rumours were also spread. It made for a very miserable time. I went on to reflect on high school but when writing about those circumstances, this is where I got stuck. Everything I wrote just didn’t seem right and it took me a few days to figure it out. The realisation of what I had been carrying for the last 18 years, believed to be bullying to the point that I transferred schools was more 16 year old girls being, well, 16 year old girls and no bullying involved. We were all trying to discover ourselves, test each others boundaries and some jealously all round thrown in (thank goodness there was no social media back then!)
I’m not saying those years were in actual fact rainbows and sunshine after all, but simply circumstances that I thought to be one thing was in fact another. That sent my head into overdrive the last couple of weeks, spiraling downwards at an epic pace. If I misread that time so severely, what else have I misread or got caught up in? That created the spiraling to accelerate. I have lacked self confidence for as long as I can remember. A teenager with no confidence meant that I allowed others to treat me a certain way as I failed to stand up for myself. I was so caught up in trying to be liked that I hurt others in an effort to show my “worth” as well as not wanting to rock my own boat for fear of being rejected. That flowed on into my adult life, not standing up for myself in the way I should and a need to fit in. This is a very brief causation to where I have ended up right now. I have been carried away with others as I didn’t have a sense of my own identity. I am too trusting and wind up being so involved with someone else believing they have my back where in actual fact they were only in it for themselves. I struggle to see who has my back and who wants me to stab me in it. I’ve also dealt with having trouble making friends all these years. I got along with others but when it came to social activities I was often left out. In my adult life when I thought I was making a friend I would latch on and consider someone as a friend whereas in actual fact they weren’t interested in a friendship of give and take but rather take take take. I became withdrawn and tried to isolate myself believing that everyone is better off not dealing with my crap.
After my last post, I had several people message or call me to tell me I’m not a burden to them, to reach out whenever and however I want. To all of you, thank you. You have helped me realise many things about myself, some very positive things. Like my last post though, you need to bare with me. I have recognised the last 18 years have been skewed memories and well before that has been personality and confidence issues. It takes time and a lot of patience to work through. I’m slowly figuring it out and who I am.